Love and Prison…Do They Belong In the Same Sentence? By Felicia

 

This is something that has been weighing on my mind for a while now. I have been incarcerated for three years. I still have a long lonely fourteen years to go. My question to you is, is it possible 

to find love while incarcerated? Is it possible to continue to love and be loved from a relationship prior to prison? Is it possible to be loved in prison by the one’s you were closest to? I thought I could share a couple of stories with you and then you can tell me what you think…

 

 

I was with the same man for 17 years, I’m 32 now. If you calculate it, that’s over half of my life. I gave him all of me. We went through everything together (drug addiction, being homeless, death of a child, loss of a parent). I am an old fashioned lover. I believe in sticking it out through the hard times and the good will outweigh the bad. My husband didn’t work for 90% of our relationship and yet I stayed because he was an amazing father and husband otherwise. I was raised to be independent and never saw it as a problem. I am the type to never rely on a man for anything. A man should be a want not a need.

I got arrested in January of 2018, the day I was arrested my husband was the only one there. He looked me in the eyes and said “It’s been 15 and it’ll take 15 to get out”. I said what does that mean? He said, “We been together for 15 years and your the love of my life, it’ll take longer than 15 for me to stop loving you.” Yeah, I know. Aww, how sweet and could’ve been a beautiful love story.

So off to the county jail I go. And downhill my relationship went. He falsely filed for my tax return that year and claimed he did it to help me get an attorney or to go towards my bond, but instead all my money went to the local drug dealer. He told me many excuses of where the money went and even claimed to have lost the bank card at one point. Which, any person with a lick of sense would know to order a new one. But the excuses just piled on top of one another, and so I took that loss. Then he started selling everything in our home and then gave up our house. All the while I’m in the county jail with no money for the necessities of survival. That was the beginning of many punches to come my way. I was blinded by my love for him and let him continuously lie to me. The visits were rare, the calls going unanswered. Then we had a visit with him and our three children. All the lies suddenly fell into place as did the final piece of the puzzle.

My son let slip that “daddy has a girlfriend at Nanna’s house”. I let it go like I didn’t notice what he said. They are my children. I absolutely refuse to question them about a grown man’s actions. So I waited til the next visit, he came by himself and I asked him about this “girlfriend.” Surprise, a load of excuses came out, “just a friend, the kids don’t know what they’re talking about” etc. One thing about me that I learned about being a parent is that kids know more than you think and they are paying attention when you think that they aren’t. A child’s love is unconditional and I will always believe what they tell me until proved otherwise. I started to pay closer attention. One day I was on the phone with my sister and the same woman’s name got brought to my attention. So I decided to start keeping my distance, started licking my wounds and trying to pick my heart up off the floor and put it back together.

I rode out to prison on May 21st 2019 and by 9/21/19 all communication had drizzled down next to none. And then in June 2019 this famous girlfriend made her debut. She added me on JPay and in a rude, vulgar manner gave me all the details about her and my husband. I’ll spare you the details. In one message she tore my world apart. She took my life. Something I worked hard for years to build and she gained all of it overnight.

From time to time he would send messages on JPay with the I love you’s and I’m sorry’s. He even tried to justify him moving in with the same girl that he told me was just a friend. He had his friends, family and our children lying to me.

In June of 2020 he finally became a man and got on the phone with me to tell me he was happy with her and was sorry. I thanked him for telling me something I’ve already known for months. With the facts of everything I learned, it took him 8 months to throw away our relationship and when that call ended, I cried, I laughed, and knew I lost my best friend, my husband and what little financial help he offered, but I also could breathe. The unknown was finally known.

I feel like I never really knew the man I dedicated my life to. He left me for dead, to do without in a place that I have no experience with and to do it all alone. Now I am currently in the process of filing a divorce from someone I never thought I could live without. You would think that the title “childrens mother” would have more weight and have been enough to at least remain friends through this sentence. How do you look your kids in the face and say, “I love you” but yet you left their mother to do without and struggle in prison alone?

So do I believe in being able to maintain a relationship in prison? No I do not. I know this is not how everyone’s relationships unfold but this is my personal experience. I’ve also heard and seen similar stories and situations, especially with long timers like myself. What do your vows mean to you? For better or for worse?

Do I believe in finding love or falling in love in prison? Well you tell me what you think after reading the next couple of paragraphs…

A close friend of mine recently started writing a man that is also in prison. They’ve become close friends and have a lot in common. This happens a lot behind these gates. She’s the type to wear her heart on her sleeve. She falls in love fast and she falls hard. She’s told me many times she’s afraid to admit her feelings for this man because she knows there’s never going to be a way for it to work between them and for them to be together.

Their out dates are many years apart due to our system of PRC and parole. There’s just no possible way for them to be together beyond these gates and letters. How’s it okay for us to socialize while we’re locked up, but the second we’re home should one of us make contact with the other (as we are convicted felons) ‘bammm’ you face a technical violation and are sent back to prison? I understand that there’s post release rules of supervision. But honestly, is there a way to fall in love and legally be with the man you’ve fallen for? Is there a way to be loved in prison without risk of the state being what scares you off and separates the two of you?

I rode out to prison on May 21st 2019 and by 9/21/19 all communication had drizzled down next to none. And then in June 2019 this famous girlfriend made her debut. She added me on JPay and in a rude, vulgar manner gave me all the details about her and my husband. I’ll spare you the details. In one message she tore my world apart. She took my life. Something I worked hard for years to build and she gained all of it overnight.

Continue reading “Love and Prison…Do They Belong In the Same Sentence? By Felicia”

A New Year In Prison By Christopher Monihan

 

It’s Saturday January 09, 2021 and I’m sitting        here on my bunk writing this. I’ve been busy this morning and afternoon with the dogs I care for. I have a few minutes and so I thought I’d take advantage of it.

I marvel at how every year people tend to see the optimistic possibilities for a new year to come. At 12:00 midnight the world over there are kisses and pledges of new beginnings for a new year. Me? Sure, I’ve been guilty of this.

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Christmas In Prison

 

Christmas In Prison

By Felicia

Christmas is a day to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. Jesus was born in Bethlehem, as predicted in the Bible. It was inside of  a lovely stable that the Christ child was born. Although the month and date of Jesus’ birth are unknown, the church in the early 4th century fixed the date as December 25th. For Christians, knowing the exact birthdate is not considered to be of importance. What is important is believing that God came into the world in the form of a man (Jesus) to atone (make up) for the sins of humanity. So, the primary purpose in celebrating Christmas is to honor the birth of the Son of God.

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Disabled in Prison

 

In 2017 I tore my Achilles and was wheelchair bound for months. The Department of Corrections refused to treat my condition save for handing me a bag of ice and an ace bandage. On the day of my injury I asked for a wheel chair but was denied one, this despite I literally couldn’t walk. Out of desperation I ended up pleading my case to one of the unit managers of a unit I did not live in. When he saw my condition he immediately loaned me the unit’s one and only emergency wheel chair.

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