In the world of addictions, seldomly do we seriously consider sex an addiction. The term “addictions” tends to conjure up thoughts of drugs or alcohol, but addictions span so much more than that. We can be addicted to just about anything. Some of us are addicted to the Internet and social media, while others are addicted to more ‘traditional’ vices.
When we hear someone say that they are addicted to sex, thoughts of, “Who doesn’t like sex?” or, “Yeah, so?” may come to mind. The whole topic of sex addiction is easily brushed off or taken lightly and with good humor.
In This World, if you are a convicted sex offender, you walk a hard path. Your standing within the pecking order (Pecking order? See my post Peck, Peck, Pecking Order!) dictates your experience, and sex offenders instantly find themselves at the bottom of this order.
However, if you are a sex offender convicted of child sex crimes, you’ll dwell below the bottom of the pecking order in a type of quasi-Hades zone. You’ll discover that your peers dislike you and that there are men who actively go out of their way to torment you. I illustrated such a moment in my post “Buddy.” It’s common for child predators to find themselves the ones now preyed upon.
It’s my experience that men who commit crimes against children tend to be passive aggressive with manipulative and deceptive personalities. Most everything they do and say is governed by their sexual thoughts, and this crowd once incarcerated secretly maintains their addiction. They do this by preying on the youngest inmates, or by immersing themselves in pornographic material (both adult and under age).
In this environment, child sex predators associate with others convicted of similar crimes. They then literally discuss ways to avoid apprehension the next time or how to navigate the Dark Web undetected. They even share stories of their exploitations. I know this may sound unbelievable but I’ve personally witnessed these moments and heard these discussions.
To many of you I’d imagine these revelations are shocking. They were shocking to me at first, too. Yet, these revelations share little difference from how others with addictions approach their situation.
For example, drug addicts discuss amongst themselves how and where to obtain their drug of choice. They discuss how not to get caught. They even share stories about times when they were high. In This World, drug addicts associate with others convicted of similar crimes, and their thoughts and desire to get high dictate their actions. Of course here the similarities end.
By no means do I mean to minimize the actions of child sex predators. When I was very young I fell victim to a child sex predator. That individual went to prison, too. So, I have a very unique perspective. Having been both victim and incarcerated for a long time with the very men who commit such crimes, I feel qualified to comment.
It’s rare for men convicted of child sex crimes to be willing to talk about their addiction. There is a fear that discussion can only bring them further trouble and adversity. It’s a justified fear anchored in experience.
Today I am happy to present to you a guest writing from “D.E.,” a convicted sex offender. His crime was against children. It took great courage for him to bare his soul to the world in his essay. No matter what you may think of individuals convicted of child sex crimes, I ask that you read his words with an open mind. Before rushing to judge others, we should first focus the microscope of judgement on ourselves.
Addictions afflict millions of people daily, to the point where they cannot control themselves. Some are worse than others, but in excess all are destructive. They harm loved ones and communities. Most of all, they harm the addicted and the victims addiction leaves in its wake.
I present DE’s essay here. You may read his and other guest writings in the category “Guest Writings.”
*Addiction is a dirty word, but shouldn’t be this way. Awarness is the first step in helping others. Please share this post with other open minds.
—Christopher—
Kupper Kalhoon reminds you …”My father advised me that life was a crap game: it was one of the two lessons I learned as a kid. The other was that overturning a rock was apt to reveal a rattlesnake.”
As lessons go, those two seem to hold up, but not to apply.
Observations on sex offenders..
When I was a clinical psychologist working in the Ohio prisons, I used to do a class with sex offenders. Following are my own observations, not something I read about in the literature.
I would start the class by asking in all apparent sincerity “Who gets sexually turned on by your mother. Like you constantly fantasize getting it on with her?” Guys in the group would make comments like, “that’s sick.” Then I would say, “I bet many or most of you have a drinking or drugging problem.” They would agree. Then I would ask, “If you are or were married, did you feel that your wife was constantly nagging you, criticizing not only your using but most everything you did. Did she disrespect you and treat you like you were a child?” {Of course, this was the result of them acting childlike with immature, irresponsible behavior.} Most, if not all would say that that was true for them. “So, you began feeling like she was your mom?” Again, “yes.” Then I would say, “Is it surprising that you stopped feeling sexually attracted to her as mom?” They would get it. “So,” I would say, “did you simply stop having any sexual feelings?” “No,” they would say. Then I would ask, “what did you do with them?” This would usually result in some deep sharing and reflection.
Children are safe and not likely to trigger the sense of mom. I certainly agree with Christopher that that “men who commit crimes against children tend to be passive aggressive with manipulative and deceptive personalities.” I also found that under or tied in with their sexual feelings were very early childlike desires for intimacy. Adult women were too powerful to actually be the object of sexual attraction, although they might be recipients of a lot of anger, (inner mom), perhaps involving fantasies of rape.
S. Quimby, PhD.
Dr. Quimby …. “passive aggressive with manipulative and deceptive personalities.” Sounds ominous, is there a way for society to identify the likely violators and if so, what can be done?
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